Blue Hole, New Mexico Nov 2014

First off, this is not what I was expecting.  It's quite a bit smaller in diameter than the training lake in OKC.  Deceptive, though.  

This was not my first experience with cold water, but it was my first open water cold.  The day was sunny, but very chilly with a pretty good breeze.  

In preparation, I'm wearing a 7 mm over my 1 mm over my shark skin.  You may think it overkill, but I get cold.  In case you missed it, the water temp is 61.  Brrr.  Once we geared up and jumped in, it was time to explore.  The hole was pretty deep, I got to 82 feet.  The sides were stuffed with little tokens from previous divers, so there was a lot to look at.  Also, diver graffiti.  I added my own in the algae.  JEN WAS HERE.  

Due to some unfortunate accidents, the rest of the cave system had been closed off, but peering into the grated off dark hole was a little thrilling.  

I could feel my brain functions reacting slower than usual, due to the cold.  I spent a total of 20 minutes in that water the first time.  Enough to make it an actual dive.  I'm not ashamed.  It was freaking cold.  It made me appreciate the warm Caribbean waters.  Even the summer training lake water!

During the surface interval, I peeled back a layer and basked in the sun, trying to shiver myself warm.  Getting back in the water was an exercise in will power,  

My second dive was another short one.  A measly 20 minutes.  But, it goes in the log and counts.  It was worth the trip out to get my fins wet.  I also learned about myself as a diver.  I am a warm water diver, or I need to get dry suit training.  

Getting to dive with my bff is not a bad thing, either.  

By the end of diving, I was found huddled under the warm showers.  

Aftermath

So, this is the end.  The end of this chapter of my life.  Hell, maybe the end of an entire book.  Looking back, I don't know how I managed to survive.  I will say that I survived by living one day at a time.  When that was too difficult, I lived an hour at a time.  There at the end, I got all the way down to one minute in front of the other.  I survived, thanks to all of the wonderful people in my life.
I know that I have had the opportunity to be the lighthouse in someone else's storm.  This felt so much like a storm that would never end, that I could never see the end.  And there were so many beams of light that kept me off the shoals.  There can never be enough "Thank You"s.

The silent head butts of camaraderie.  The nights spent holding hands in grandma chairs.  The "I'm getting you out of the house, and you have no say in the matter". The phone calls while I fall apart.  The text messages.  The breakfasts, lunches, dinners.  Beer.  Ice cream.  Rum.  Lots of rum.  I can never repay what you have given me,  But, you can bet your ass, I'm there for you.

I have decided to leave my home state.  For adventure.  For no one else but me.  This decision was a long time in the making.  I spent time really thinking about what I wanted.  That's the real question here.  "What do you want?"  I want... And the cursor is infuriatingly still here... flashingly mocking me.  I DON'T KNOW.  But, I'm going to have one hell of a good time finding out.

So, I'm leaving everything that is comfortable.  The job I have been in for 13 years, 8 of which at the same location.  I'm staying with the same company, but that's the only thing that's not changing,  A new state.  A new city.   A new place,  All my own.  I never really thought of myself as a material girl.  Living in what was all but a show home for 4 months, I realized maybe I was, just a little,  I'm looking forward to unpacking all of my boxes.  And having a home.  (And my library!!)

At one point, the prospect of going somewhere I don't know a soul would have terrified me.  Not that I'm doing that, per se.  I know a few souls.  But, you get what I'm saying.  Having to build a circle from the very beginning now looks like the kind of hard work I am capable of.  It will be different, and it will not be soul deep, at first.  I'll get there.  Because I survived, and the struggle has made me more beautiful for it.